Things To Do Before I Die

Most people at some point make a list of things to do before they die. I have not ... until now. Here’s my list of things I want to do and/or experience before I die. Albeit a bit unconventional, it’s still my list nonetheless.

1) Eat an entire chocolate cake by myself

2) Write a screenplay roughly based on my life experiences

3) Create a new language that doesn’t use any verbs

4) Experience the exhilaration of police brutality

5) Knee Dane Cook in the groin

6) Feed my grandmother pot-brownies

7) KILL THAT CAT!! That cat is constantly plotting against me. I MUST destroy him before he destroys me!

8) Set a car on fire

9) Run for president, become elected, and then take the nation to war based on faulty intelligence and a vendetta against the man whom my father could not defeat; declare the mission "accomplished" several years/decades before it actually is; and then be hated by everyone in the nation for the rest of my presidency.

10) Discover a cure for hemorrhoids and not tell anyone what it is.

11) Read a book

12) Have my own television talk show on which I have complete creative control over and would be able to humiliate pretentious celebrities on.

13) Go on a bizarre foods trip to southeast Asia with Andrew Zimmern

14) Pay a child at a lemonade stand $20 for a single glass ... then upon drinking it, call the Health Department saying that the child was charging for the lemonade while making it in less than satisfactory sanitary conditions. I then would claim the lemonade gave me entamoebic dysentery and sue the child’s parents for everything they’re worth.

15) Open my own live bait shop.

16) Go whaling

17) Get lost in the desert on a horse with no name

18) Become a famous pop star even though I couldn’t sing or dance, get hooked on drugs and alcohol, have a couple kids with a retarded person, shave my head, be forced to go into rehab, refuse to quit using drugs, get booed on a pseudo award show on MTV, have my kids taken away from me and given the to retarded person, go back into rehab, and end up being found dead in my bathroom with a bathtub filled with maple syrup and a Mexican midget wearing a clown costume.

19) Coin the phrase "SEMPER FUDGE!"

20) Read a book to an underprivileged child


Onto a totally unrelated topic, today at the Dauner-Martin trails in Fenton I saw a bunch of Golden-crowned Kinglets and a Hairy Woodpecker.

Talk to ya later!